Gapped Tooth Club

The other day I found myself thinking about teeth and how it seems that increasingly people are opting for braces or veneers to get perfect smiles. You hardly ever see anyone on TV or in the movies without perfectly white, straight and even teeth. I think it's something that people prioritize more these days.

I've had gaps my whole life (they were much more prominent when I was a kid) and honestly have never been really bothered by them. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a super straight Hollywood looking smile, but I've never been so curious to actually consider braces or shaving down my healthy teeth only to attach some porcelain veneers. Talk about panic attack - - I can't even imagine the horror.

So I got to Google-ing last night, as I always do when I should be sleeping, and found some pretty interesting stuff on this minority that I forget that I belong to.

Like...

TONS of hotties have gaps. Such as Lauren Hutton (one of the most major babes to ever exist), Georgia Mae Jagger, Brigette Bardot and David Letterman (haha).

 

 

 

Gapped toothed women in folklore were often regarded as having insatiable lust! Okay.

Women in regions of Africa with gapped teeth are regarded as more beautiful than those without and are paid a higher dowry when marrying. Gapped toothed African men are also thought to be more attractive than men without spaces in their teeth.

Asians are the least likely to have gaps.

The French call gapped teeth "lucky teeth".

In 1987 Les Bank created a short documentary on women with gapped teeth called Gap-Toothed Women. I really wish I could find the whole thing online.

Filmmaker Cassi Glisper's 2008 documentary Next Tooth One Mile profiles "gappers" from all over the world.

In watching what was available online from both of these movies I was unexpectedly sad when I listened to people with gaps express embarrassment over their smiles due to their gapped teeth. So weird to think that in our culture something as silly as teeth, which we have no control over (you could get braces or whatever, but you had no control over how they grow in your mouth) can inhibit people from organically expressing joy. Teeth are weird in that way.

The Biggest Pain in the Ass of my Life

buying our house was the biggest pain in the ass of my life. i've decided to make a little timeline of all the nonsense that was involved because it was so lame and cumbersome and illogical that i know i'll soon forget the details. my mind has already blocked out a number of them.

March 2012
i got pre-approved for a home loan. this was the easy part. i answered some questions and filled out some paperwork and boom. pre-approval done.

April 2012
we looked at a few houses but weren't blown away by anything. this was all fine because we knew that we were picky and loved our rental. we'd happily stay put until we found something that would rock our world.

May 2012
our dearest family friends, a divorced couple, were going to have to sell their home. they approached me to see if i would be interested in buying it. my eyeballs turned into hearts and popped out of my face on metal springs. i called the realtor and we put in an offer. our offer was accepted.

i signed a bunch of papers. the deal was set to close by the end of may. yay!

we ordered an appraisal. the property appraised at our offer price. yay!

we got a home inspection. the home had dry rot and termites and needs a new roof. these problems would cost 15k to fix. oh no!

June 2012
we ask the owners if they could drop the price by 15k. they say no. we redact our offer and are sad. we look at another couple houses but they are lame.

July 2012
our realtor and mortgage guy suggest a 203k streamline loan. this loan enables the buyer to receive a loan for the house and also allots some money for repairs on the home. we thought this was a great option since it would allow us to get the home and deal with the termites and roof. looks like we are perfect candidates for this loan. yesssss.

i fill out all new paperwork. i'm told to contact some contractors to get estimates of what it would cost to repair the roof, dry rot and to treat the termites. i'd also have to repaint, since dry rot repair requires cutting out of wood siding and lots of wood replacement.

August 2012
i finally acquire all the appropriate estimates and paperwork from all the contractors (insurance, licenses, etc.) this took so so long. i submit it all to our loan officer.

weeks pass, and then we get a notice that ALL that paperwork that took me months to get is totally void. i'm told that i needed to hire a general contractor that works specifically with 203k streamlined loans. awesome. back to the drawing board.

meanwhile, seller(s) are getting antsy. the deal was supposed to be done in freaking may. good god. the bullshit process and set backs and misinformation i was given doesn't really resonate with them. it's really confusing and i hardly understand what is going on myself, so explaining this to the sellers is even more nonsensical.

September 2012
new special 203k general contractor comes and looks at the house. we tell him everything that needs fixing. he gets us a bunch of estimates, which we approve. he also tells us that we are required by the 203k FHA streamline folks to get a new appraisal. yeah, a new one even though we got one early on in the process. we needed a special 203k streamline appraisal guy to come. he needs to tell the FHA people that once all the repairs are made, the house is worth the asking price. we were purchasing the house for 185k. we needed the bank to give us an additional 15k to make the repairs. the appraiser needed to okay that the house was worth 185k as is, and once the repairs were made would appraise for 200k.

appraiser visits the house. our realtor is there and pissed, because appraiser is from galt, california. our house is in historic roseville, california,  a place very much unlike galt. we ask him if he's familiar with roseville's unique vintage home real estate market, to which he replies he is not familiar.

after appraiser is done walking around the house and property, our trusty realtor provides him with print outs of recently sold homes in our area. these illustrate that these older roseville homes are legit and in high demand. many fixer uppers in our surrounding neighborhoods that are in FAR worse shape than ours are going for around the same price as ours. we are making out like bandits with a 185k purchase price.

October 2012
i get a call from my loan officer informing me that our sloppy bumpkin of an appraiser appraised the home too low for the 203k streamline loan. the FHA folks say the most we can get is 185k.

oh no! this means we can't make the repairs. eff it, we say. we've been set on this house for months at this point. we'll take it for 185k and make the repairs out of our pocket within the next few years. it's not like the house is falling down or anything...

i then fill out ALL NEW PAPERWORK, and resubmit to just get a regular old FHA loan. again. just like i did months ago, way back at the beginning.

sellers are SUPER antsy at this point. loan officer assures me that this shit will be done in a jiffy. he puts as big a rush on it as he is capable of putting. this will be all done and over with, with keys in my hand by halloween. for sure. at the latest. the absolute latest.

November 2012
FHA tells loan officer that we need a new appraisal. the one we had done originally (185k) has expired since this process was taking so damn long. we call our original appraiser who makes a quick visit and signs off on the 185k price. we are good to go! any day now, the paperwork will all be pushed through the appropriate channels and get the right signatures and we will get the keys. any day now, the assure us over and over.

meanwhile, sellers are INSANELY and rightfully antsy. they say if it's not done within a week, they will put the house on the market. oh nooooo! some other people could end up in MY house!

a couple days go by and my loan officer informs me that there is a conflict with the appraisal. that's because, floating somewhere in the FHA universe, is that fucking low appraisal from the sloppy bumpkin that has yet to be cancelled. a request was put in to cancel it, but things like that take for-ev-er since FHA is a bloated, enormous and inefficient government agency. things like appraisal cancellation, according to their web site, should take like, 10 days. we are on day 30 and it's still hanging out somewhere, waiting to be officially cancelled.

a week goes by. i check my phone and email incessantly. like, i spend hours per day looking down at my phone and logging into my email.  it's the longest week ever. ever!

FINALLY! the appraisal gets cancelled within HOURS of the sellers' realtor getting ready to put a for sale sign in the front yard of my new house.

 i got the keys the day before thanksgiving.

and we moved in just in time to spend christmas in our new house.

   

Enough with the Labels, Okay?

i'm over it. and when i say "labels" i mean literal, physical, handwritten or typed out or chalkboarded labels and shit, labeling items that don't need labeling.

like cutesy little drink tables that label things like "beer" or "wine." or taco bars with labels like "lettuce" or "salsa." or shelves in bathrooms with labels on them that say "towels."

labels should be there to help us out with things that might not be so obvious. so if there's a mystery keg, go ahead and make me an artsy little label that let's me know what i'm about to tap, such as "downtown brown" or "shock top." help me to know which of the salsas at your party is spicy and which is mild. label things vegetarian, vegan or gluten free. that's helpful. is this sun dried tomato hummus, or roasted red pepper hummus? thanks for the little folded card in front labeling it, i couldn't tell by looking at it.

"i'm gonna put a bird on a bird, put it in a jar and label it."

you know portlandia's put a bird on it? i said awhile ago that i wanted to make a follow up called "put it in a jar" to clown on all the silly things in jars. mundane things or ordinary thoughtless things that somehow become special and funky and "indie" (i hate that word) because they are now in their cool jar home.

like this nonsense. cute, but come on. there's not enough basil there to create anything meaningful.

once i make my "put it in a jar follow up", i'm going to follow that up with "label it." anyone have fred armisen's phone number?

Catcalling Douchebags

in browsing www.hellogiggles.com this morning i came across this article on street harassment. it perfectly illustrates why cat calling (street harassment) is the most gross, obnoxious and inappropriate thing ever. it discusses the different ways in which these harassers operate and talks about the slippery slope of street harassment- how hissing and whistling can turn to stalking or even rape.

street harassment is one of those experiences that seems to unite women in disgust. it doesn't matter what you're wearing, what you're doing or even how old you are...there will always be trashball guys that get off on making women feel threatened and uncomfortable.

while i was reading i recalled a scene at the beginning of six feet under years and years ago. if you aren't familiar with the show, each episode is introduced with a death. one of the deaths that always stayed with me was of a young woman who was struck and killed by a vehicle while running from a group of men who were whistling and propositioning her while as she left a party. a split second before she is hit by the car, she turns around to notice that the men harassing her were actually her friends thinking they were being funny. that scene is so poignant because it calls such attention to the disconnect between the men's actions and the woman's perceptions of those actions.  what men sometimes see as playful or funny (why, i'll never know. because they are jackasses, i guess), women perceive as a safety threat. i know when i hear a man yelling at me and making inappropriate comments on my appearance, my heart begins to race. i'm not looking to decipher who the man is or what his intentions are. he could very well be a "harmless" college aged guy looking to impress his douchebag friends, but my conditioned mind fears some psycho serial rapist.

anyways, read the article. and props to the writer, and all the women like her, who aren't afraid to look like stick in the mud "feminazis" to a bunch of ignorant and insensitive men and speak out against shit like this for the sake of women and girls everywhere. high five!

*p.s. march 18-24th is anti-street harassment week.